Wednesday, January 27, 2010

First Date Advice

I have my inaugural OKC date tonight! And in honor of that... Okay, a dating whiz I am not, but I have collected a few bits of foolproof romantic wisdom over the years, and here they are. (As if any of us could hope to never play the fool......)

1) Bring cash. Not only should you pay for yourself, but you never know when a cab dash will become necessary!

2) When choosing your outfit, watch the cleavage and the hemline. Anything with an eye-pleasing curve should be modestly covered. Don't sulk!! You wouldn't run right out and throw a hail mary on your first down blah blah football metaphor, now would you? Save that shit for later.

3) Do not wear your silver H&M necklace that says "Love," even if it is super cute. I will say here because I think it is relevant that I think it would be HILARIOUS to wear one of those t-shirts that says "I fuck on the first date" on a first date. I will give twenty dollars to anyone who actually does this.

4) Make sure you know what your date looks like before you go to meet them. This may be difficult if he only has two pictures on his profile, and in one of them he is mostly blocked by a combination of guitar and hat.

5) This one is courtesy of our gal Pinkie who gives the BEST dating advice on the planet: expect three things, and ONLY three things, when you go on a date---to get out of the house; a compliment; and something free, however small.

6) Wear ugly underwear. I am not a person who subscribes to the slogan of the aforementioned t-shirt, but when faced with a severe cutie, we all need a little extra convincing.
Already some of you more clever foxes are thinking "Yeah right, I can rip that shit off in the dark." Touche. You wisenheimers should plan to begin a course of yeast infection treatment.

7) If a you're on a date with a guy and he wants to make out with you and you fall down, he will still want to make out with you. Ask me how I know.

8) If your blind date turns out to be crap and you are at Borders and all you want is to go home and crawl under your bed, ask the barista to page you over the intercom and then inform you that your mother was bitten by a dog and she's okay but she needs you to drive out to the Chicago suburbs right away. The barista will enjoy doing this, especially if you then give her a ride home after work. Ask me how I know.

9) If you are on a first date that you hadn't really realized was a "date" and you go to see a play that ends up featuring ENORMOUS (like, bigger than a person) glow-in-the-dark puppets of genitalia and they perform a simulated sex act and then two nuns eat each other out and the lights come up and your date is clearly embarrassed and then chooses that moment to reveal that this was in fact a date, well, ha ha ha. (AMHIK)

10) If you just gotta be done with it, remember that the sentence "Well, it was nice to meet you!," paired with a handshake and cheerful smile, will dispel a creep and he will think it was his idea. AMHIK.

11) Most of all, just be yourself.


  1. i am printing this out and putting it on my fridge.

  2. Brilliant list!

    I'm adding: Do not sext BEFORE your date (AMHIK).

  3. I love this list! I think I'm going to write one of my own. However, there is no WAY I can top the glowing genitalia puppets and the cunnilingus nuns. So I'm going to bite: How do you know?

  4. LOVING #4 and #6.

    My first date with Astro, I almost didn't recognize him. He shaved his head for charity in November. Our date was in January. I am pretty sure he recognized me before I recognized him, and I was staring right at him, and I was wondering who in the world was this guy saying Hey to me.

    And #6. Yes. Either that, or don't shave your legs. It will force you to do the right thing.

    (Or at least try it's hardest to.)

    (Hee hee I said hardest.)