Monday, January 4, 2010

That expression sums up my feelings on both dating and my new hair cut. Dubious.

It's an ominous sort of day to write an introduction here. Just before my alarm went off, or actually as the alarm on my phone in another room was going off (for 14 minutes, whoops) I had a bad dream. It involved my ex-boyfriend, people from high school I was jealous of, work (which is stressful right now). It was a nightmare. One of those dreams that you're grateful to wake up from, but also feel lost about it because you'll never get resolution of the storyline.

It was a dream that made me think, "I can NOT do this dating thing." That's a 'can't' feeling based on not having the skills or abilities to date and also a fear that if (when) it goes bad, I am not able to easily handle things without falling apart. That's largely where my fear of rejection lies--it's about not wanting to see a lot of things about myself. That's a simplified way of putting it. But that's what makes it really too easy for me to excuse myself from taking proactive steps over things like my hair being cut shorter than I wanted it.

This was not the intro post I intended initially, but maybe it's a good one--to air all the negative feelings out, make room for the positive. Or, whatever. I have, somewhere in my crazy head, grand plans for all this, now it's just about making those happen. The hardest part, no big deal.


  1. Well *I* think the hair is frickin' adorable.....

    What do you think makes you afraid to see things about yourself?

  2. The hair is perfect from the front, but too short in the back. It's mostly just not exactly what I wanted, which was a swingy bob rather than a stacked bob. I'll get used to it and it grows fast.

    One thing that I came across multiple times in therapy this last year was that I don't like (like isn't the best word, but I don't know what is) hearing compliments, thinking about what things I have that are attractive. It's a hard thing for me to acknowledge that I'm a dateable, loveable person. I should actually be a good catch. I've so closed myself to all this stuff in my life that it's hard to acknowledge what I have going for me because then I also have to acknowledge that I have wasted it, that I made the choices to close myself off. Maybe those were the choices I needed to make at that time, but it's been a series of choices that have stuck with me for way too long and that are difficult to undo. And it's just very hard to see that about myself.