Monday, January 4, 2010
That expression sums up my feelings on both dating and my new hair cut. Dubious.
It's an ominous sort of day to write an introduction here. Just before my alarm went off, or actually as the alarm on my phone in another room was going off (for 14 minutes, whoops) I had a bad dream. It involved my ex-boyfriend, people from high school I was jealous of, work (which is stressful right now). It was a nightmare. One of those dreams that you're grateful to wake up from, but also feel lost about it because you'll never get resolution of the storyline.
It was a dream that made me think, "I can NOT do this dating thing." That's a 'can't' feeling based on not having the skills or abilities to date and also a fear that if (when) it goes bad, I am not able to easily handle things without falling apart. That's largely where my fear of rejection lies--it's about not wanting to see a lot of things about myself. That's a simplified way of putting it. But that's what makes it really too easy for me to excuse myself from taking proactive steps over things like my hair being cut shorter than I wanted it.
This was not the intro post I intended initially, but maybe it's a good one--to air all the negative feelings out, make room for the positive. Or, whatever. I have, somewhere in my crazy head, grand plans for all this, now it's just about making those happen. The hardest part, no big deal.